30 June, 2017

#30daysofbrave 9/30: "To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength."

Day 9/30:


What have you struggled with most during this 30-day challenge?

Today, be courageously vulnerable by openly sharing this weakness with a friend.

Bonus: Watch Brene Brown's talk on The Power of Vulnerability (20 mins)


"To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength."




  • A weakness that I’m struggling with …
  • Today, I will be courageously vulnerable by sharing my weakness with the following person …

I am still struggling with standing up for myself and facing the fear of rejection. In order to learn to stand for myself, I feel that I must realize that I am worth standing up for. It takes a lot to get there, however.  I must come to terms with being who I am. The steps I am taking to do that is forgiving my biological father, being at peace with being his daughter, learning to honour God's decision to create me through him, letting go of the bitterness and fear of being abandonned, and learning to not judge myself by who my father is. I think, then I'll be able to stand up for myself both against myself and others. however, last night I already was vulnerable about it with another friend. But I can be vulnerable about it once more with my  friend, Savannah. May fair winds follow you all and the Author guide you!

Luceo non uro,

29 June, 2017

#30daysofbrave 7-8/30: well whoops....

Gawsh I missed a day, yesterday. So I need to catch up and do both challenges today. So without further ado....

Day 7/30:


1. Raise your hands in the air.

2. Breathe into this power stance, own it.

3. Then audibly declare:
    "I am the hero of my own story!"


"If you are not the hero of your own story, then you're missing the whole point of your humanity."




  • If my life was a movie and it started today, what would the hero do?
  • What old routines and patterns would the hero break?
  • What new habits would the hero replace those old habits with?

She would take each day as it comes. One step at a time to be the best person she can be. She would place her trust in Christ, and grow in confidence and faith. She would await the rising of the sun, with excitement, take on the day, fearlessly. She would push through the afternoon with endurance. Then she would take pleasure in watching the sun set. Each step she took would bring her closer to God.

She would break the cycle of monotony. And release her self-hatred, bitterness, shame and guilt. She'd break her habit of battling with those who aren't her enemy. Then she would become courageous with her time. She'd learn to treat herself with kindness, release anything that sickens her heart, then be forgiving of herself and any who came across her path.

Day 8/30:


Water someone else's seed of intention:

Bring a friend to mind who you know is capable and gifted in a certain way.

Send them some words of encouragement letting them know you see that in them.
Who knows, a little nudge of confirmation could be all that friend needs to begin their own brave adventure.


"You must give everything to make your life as beautiful as the dreams that dance in your imagination."




  • Who made you feel good this week? What did they say?

I don't know this person well, but she's a beautiful lady and good friend. She came to me, yesterday, sending quotes to me to encourage me. Afterward she spoke 4 simple sentences that put my heart at peace; "Proud of our scars. Shows we survive. Love you my beautiful sis. Hope you like those." 

I am blessed to have friends like this. I need them everyday, and am grateful for them.  I love them more than I can express. May fair winds always follow them and the Author guide their steps.

Luceo non uro,

27 June, 2017

#30daysofbrave 6/30: "If you don’t know where you are going, you might not get there."

Before continuing on this challenge, I wanted to let y'all know that the next challenges I will take simultaneously are (click the pics for links):


Choose one metric to use that can measure the results of your 30-day goal.

Measuring progress will help me stay on track, reach my target dates, and experience the achievement that will propel me to bravely charge forth in the face of fear.


"If you don’t know where you are going, you might not get there."




I have 24 days left in my 30-day goal to    (insert 30-day goal)   .
Which means within two weeks, I need to  (insert 2-week goal)   .
Which means in a week, I need to   (insert 1-week goal)   .
Which means in the next three days, I need to    (insert 3-day goal)   .
To hit that 3-day goal, today I need to    (insert today's goal)   .

30-day goals: 

  • Being more creative with my time
  • Losing ten pounds
  • Standing up for myself

Within 2 weeks  I need to: 

  • Create at least 14 pieces of art
  • Lose 5 pounds
  • Know when to stand for myself and when to conform

In a week I need to:

  • Create 7 pieces of art
  • Exercise for 15 minutes, daily
  • Verbally forgive myself, daily

In the next 3 days I need to:

  • Create 3 pieces of art
  • Weigh myself
  • Grow in faith a lil more

Today I need to:

  • Clean room
  • Walk for about 15 minutes
  • Take a moment of the day to pray, meditate, read scripture, do my daily challenge.

Luceo non uro,

#30daysofbrave 5/30: "You are enough, just as you are. Each emotion you feel, everything you do in your life, everything you do or do not do… where you are and who you are right now is enough. It is perfect. You are perfect enough."

Before we get to today's challenge. I wanted to share my mum's and my ministry! I'll be bringing it back to life as soon as I can! take a peek!

(click the pic)


Spend time listening to your thoughts of 'not enough.'

These voices of 'not enough' are there because there's something to be learned. Today, write down all the ways you’ve been telling yourself you are not enough. Thank those thoughts for helping you better understand yourself, and let them go as you say, “I am enough.”


"You are enough, just as you are. Each emotion you feel, everything you do in your life, everything you do or do not do… where you are and who you are right now is enough. It is perfect. You are perfect enough."



My favorite quality about myself is my stubbornness to persevere. And my willingness to face the world with silent courage minute after after of ever day after day.

My favorite flaw is my mental illness, with it I learn to be creative, see the light within the darkness and to persevere everyday.  With it, God molds me into a stronger and more compassionate person.

Copyright (C) 2017 Mari Fahel McKimzey
made this today....


  • How would I define feeling 'enough' as it relates to me personally?
  • Why do my voices of ‘not enough’ exist? What are they trying to tell me?
  • How can I grow by spending time listening to these voices?

Today, I went to a therapy appoint and during which time, We analyzed this very thing. I didn't know until I processed it now. I had to fill in a Chain Analysis of Problem Behaviour Worksheet on my most recent selfharming incident (burning).... While, filling in all the links, I realized it was basically a bunch of ways I was saying that I wasn't enough. 

  • Selfharming: Burning, cutting, punching, picking etc.
  •  "What's the point in fighting the urge?",
  • "One won't hurt" (by the end, I had seven burns)
  • "I did not say I wouldn't burn."
  • Not forgiving myself for things
  • Not sleeping at night
  • Taking my meds late
  • Not keeping up with my hygiene
  • Overeating/skipping meals

To feel enough for me would be that I have to be stronger than everyone else. I have to be always kind, always strong, always able to give my care to people. I'd have to always be on my best behaviour, not giving into addictions, my anger, and not hurting people. I can't be weak, I can't cry. I can't be human basically.... or at least that's what I tell myself. I got to be the perfect person, able to give whatever I need to, to others.

I always thought the voices of not being enough came from the abandonment of my father, the way the church as a whole has treated me. The fact that I am my father's daughter and not technically my daddy's daughter. I feel like I have to earn my daddy's love, I have to earn God's love, I have to earn my forgiveness... It's my biggest stumbling block. Makes it hard on me, especially when I know I can't earn it. I'm that fallen.

Realizing that, true, I'm not enough on my own standards. That is why I have a perfect God. And yes, though I am so desperately wicked and broken, God still has chosen me. And once I learn to trust God and have confidence in His love and grace, I can have confidence that I am enough in Him. Listening to the voices and then responding in that way will help me to realize that as a ragamuffin, I only need to receive the love of God as a child receives it and then I will find peace in it. 

Luceo non uro,

25 June, 2017

#30daysofbrave 4/30: "There is only one time that is important – NOW! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power."

Before we continue with the challenge. If you had the chance to adopt fursonas, would you do it? Do you enjoy unique pieces of specially- created art from the heart? And if you had money would you buy any from an artist that isn't well known to support them (and on patreon?) Want free public use-approved art?


My gut is: 51 1/2 inches
My weight is: 270 lbs 

Day 4/30 of Brave:



Take a mindful moment to count 5 slow breaths in a row.
It's harder than you may think. Here's a guide for The One-Minute Meditation:

Breathing in through the nose,f
Breathing out through the mouth.

Breathing in feeling the lungs expanding,
Breathing out feeling a sense of letting go.

Breathing in to feel the body getting fuller,
Breathing out to feel the release of any tension.

Breathing in feeling alive and awake,
Breathing out feeling muscles relaxing.

Breathing in that sense of fullness,
Breathing out that unnecessary tension in the body and mind.


"There is only one time that is important – NOW! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power."



  • A past moment that left me feeling powerless or afraid …
  • How can I let go of that limiting past experience based on what I now know?

The moments when I wasn't welcome in public places because of my mental illness left me feeling vulnerable and afraid to show my face in new places. Especially in church as I'm treated less than sane. It leaves me questioning the integrity and ingenuity of the Church, and love and compassion of Christ. Makes me wonder if I am absolutely alone in this world, cast off from fellowship with God and His people... It leaves me fearing  that I am not saved due to my ailments and enraged with the church.

I can carry on in the knowledge that God is not His people. His is perfect. He is full of compassion. He is just and kind. He is love. He is truth. I can learn to remember that the church is full of human beings and thus it is full of broken sinners, only forgiven through their faith, by grace as I am. If I let it go by remembering no man under the sun is perfect and that even if one is forgiven, we are still human, I can learn to carry on, in fellowship and forgiveness with the Church and also can learn to forgive myself.


Luceo no uro,
P.S. I wrote this poem today:

I Am Christian

Copyright (C) 2017 Mari Fahel McKimzey

I am Christian. If my music tastes mirrors that, it's just the way I am.
I am Christian. If my creations and life reflects a Christian life, then I'm glad.
I am Christian. Is that really so sad that I believe in something greater than myself?
I am Christian. That doesn't mean I am perfect, far from so
I am Christian. What it does mean is that I am desperately wicked but also radically forgiven.
I am Christian. You may say believing this will only make a fool of me.
And what if you're right? But I'd rather live as though what Christ said was true and be buried with no afterlife
Than live as though what Christ said wasn't true and be damned to hell
Because, what if you're wrong? And Christ truly is who He said He was?
I am Christian. Which means I am a little Christ.

24 June, 2017

#30daysofbrave 3/30: "What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself."

Before I talk about my challenge for the day, I would like to bring up two sites that have helped me greatly in my writing! And they are a great way to get rid of your writers block! 

This one I used to use ALL THE FRIGGING TIME especially during NaNoWriMo... It is a wonderful way for you to write continuously.... Write Or Die

And this one is a newer find for me.... called Fighter's Block. And it explains things better than I can, on the picture...

My gut is: 51 1/2 inches.
My weight is: around 245 lbs??(I will update you if this is correct on Sunday)

Day 3/30 of Brave:


Ask a friend what they see as your greatest strength and greatest weakness.



"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself."


  • One of my greatest strengths has always been …​
  • One of my greatest weaknesses that I acknowledge …

I would say one of my greatest strengths is rising after a failure and carrying on. Even when I want to give in, desperately, I don't quit. Pushing through has always been my signature in life. I can say that I give up, but I don't know the word. I really love this about my personality.

One of my greatest weaknesses that I acknowledge is that I don't know boundaries very well. I tend to emotionally vomit on people and I am very intense. I tend to be clingy and also very dependent on other's opinions of me. I am exceptionally codependent.

Luceo non uro,


I compiled a playlist for this challenge! What do you think of my selections?

23 June, 2017

#30daysofbrave 2/30:"Revelation come! I wanna know why I'm....... Consuming what I'm consuming"

Before I get into today's challenge for the day... I wanted to share a few things. First off, in my recovery, I've been using a site called...

Anyhow... normal voice scripting now. This great website has an iPhone and Android app (and for those who do not have smartphones, it has a website, thus, the reason I wanted you to click the pic) and is an epic way to track your road to recovery. It is designed to help you break unhealthy and destructive habits and make new healthy, and productive ones. It treats your life as an RPG Game and is a good way to also keep track of to-do lists.

And well, I've reached level 68 in it. Been using it since April or May. And as you can see, below... I set a few tasks made to help me through my recovery, including placing #30daysofbrave as a daily task... Anyhow that is my shout-out for today...

Day 2/30 of Brave:


I will hold myself accountable to completing my 30-day goal by making one of the following commitments:
I will be keeping track of my progress on this blog and facebook (and when I can find my phone, I'll track it on instagram)



Committing to this 30-day journal is important to me because …

Taking up this challenge in of itself is important to me because I wish to live a braver life. And thus, journalling each day is important to me because my future self may soon forget that I am a bravehearted lass. I am as courageous as a gryphon. Connecting to that gryphon within me is important to carry on now, but connecting to that gryphon within me is also important for my future self to know who she is.

I want my life to be a reflection of Yaweh. I want to be able to stand up for my integrity and purity. I want to be healthy inside and out. And I want to be truly myself. Learning who I am through any unorthodox means that I can do within moral boundaries. I want to be creative in my lifestyle, my arts, and my media tastes.

Luceo non uro,

22 June, 2017

#30daysofbrave: Day 1/30: "From a tiny spark may burst a mighty flame."

Taking up the #30daysofbrave challenge xD While I was going through youtube, I stumbled across a video done by Psych2go called "13 things people don't know you are doing because of your anxiety" I watched it and saw their shout-out to the challenge. Thanks Psycho2go! You all are helping so many people with your informal videos! And a special thanks goes to Intention Inspired for thinking up the challenge!

Day 1/30 of Brave: 


Choose a physical object to serve as a reminder of why you committed to this 30-Day Brave Challenge.

I chose my gryphon pendant. I'll hang it either by my door or next to my laptop. When I am not wearing it.


"From a tiny spark may burst a mighty flame."


What was the seed that inspired you to start this 30-day challenge?

Lately has been a struggle. Depression and anxiety has been drowning me and therapy, psychiatry, fellowship, and my recovery seems unimportant and pointless. Thus I knew it was when I needed to persevere most.

My goals in this challenge are to:
  • Being more creative with my time
  • Losing ten pounds
  • Standing up for myself
Self-harming, suicidal thoughts, insecurities and the entire circus of madness has weighed myself far too long! Let's see what this brave yun vagabond can do!

Luceo non uro,

12 June, 2017

"If you face the fear that keeps you frozen Chase the sky into the ocean That's when something wild calls you home, home"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...


Life has been rough lately. But I've been working to improve myself and to cope with my issues. The way I'm doing it is the most unorthodox way you could ever do it though. And believe me it is something WILD! But I'll get to it at the end!

I'm Not Perfect...

As many know I have severe BPD, Bipolar NOS, and anxiety/panic disorder. Often times I have difficulty living through it. I do many things I truly regret which often leaves me in bed, all day, I feel things deeply and am very turbulent. And, regrettably, I can walk all over my friends.  

Although it's not all bad to have these things, as they also helps me learn perseverance. It also makes life a daily a struggle... I struggle to even keep up with my hygiene to get y'all see how bad it is. So sometimes, I find myself not noticing how I treat my friends and family. I emotionally vomit and cross boundaries, without even knowing I'm doing it. Recently, I had a situation in church where exactly that happened. I overused people, without realizing it and was banned shorting then put on a trial-based return. And last night, it came to my attention, that there are several friends may be dealing with it too. 

I admit I am not perfect and I'm not using my mental illness as an excuse. I only bring it up to explain that it isn't out of malice or because I wanna make things difficult. I also want to apologize to any who I've done this to recently. Just so you know I may need y'all to be blunt with me. Don't be scared to tell me that I'm crossing lines. If the topic in of itself may hurt and you don't wanna hurt me, just tell me. I honestly would rather be hurt than to continually hurt other. Obviously don't try to purposefully hurt me, but don't be scared to be upfront.

Face Everything and Rise; What True Courage Is...

Now, that we got that situation dealt with I'll get onto the next topic... I wanted to write a bit of encouragement for everyone. Many of my friends are going through a rough time too. They believe that their unforgiven, or that they cannot live on their own, single, or that they have to trudge on by their own strength, or that they should just die... Let me tell you guys something.... You guy so courageous. I've seen how you guys fight hard. I've seen your beautiful hearts love and love and love on people.

Brother, you are forgiven, God loves you beyond your missteps and even most cruelest of things. He made you, a vessel of dishonour into a vessel of honour. You are forgiven of even the most disgusting sins you've committed, go in courage, and be encouraged. Sister, you are amazing. You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. You don't need a lover to give you worth. And the fact you are still here shows your courage and that you're worth so much more. Brother, I forgive for what you've done. And I understand your fear to open up. You still believe you gotta do this alone. You have the guts and toughness of  a fighter. But not the courage and compassion of a true warrior, but it isn't too late, be encouraged to come home....

Not A Race

43 days ago I relapsed (again) and cut. But I cut 3 times before that... The first time, I had to get some stitches. I've had to come to terms with that. Encouraging myself and realizing that I am not racing for perfection. I'm in a dance and learning, daily how to change things in order to improve. Relapses aren't a step back. It's a lesson in adjusting so you know the last strategy doesn't work and can find one that will. Thus I bring the hope in the storm to y'all....

My Own Unorthodox Coping (& Conclusion)

Well, that comes to my last bit... I'm a furry now, coping with my stuff and planning a ministry to help mentally ill kids... :) Go visit my furry blog here... Peace out and rock on, dahlings! May fair winds follow you and the Author guide you,

EDIT: Also I'll be quitting wattpad now... only coming back on to transfer writings on docs.... I'll give you a heads up later to tell you where I'll be posting my writings, or if I will be...

"I wanna scream like it's never been said But mean it like a black tattoo"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From... Introduction Lots have happened since my last update. And I am excited by all of it! So, without...