Last night, everything was movin’ so fast I could barely keep track Of my offenses or your defenses In hindsight, I woulda, coulda, shoulda not gone there But left without a word to spare Was it your offenses or my defensiveness?
I have a friend that I adopted as a twin brother of sorts. Often times he and I were at each other's throats. There was pride on both of our sides. Words said, deeds done that only tore us further apart. Many times our words would haunt at least myself every night...I never knew who was worse in an argument... but, now I realize we both monstrous to one another.
That’s got me thinkin’ that we’re never gonna get it right I wanna straighten this before the sun goes down tonight If I could only fight the bitterness I feel inside This thing is eatin’ me alive
There were times bitterness took me over, but then I'd soften up for another blow in a tender spot. I really didn't enjoy hating him, I'd pull out rather quickly... and try again, and again....and again. But every word I said to him and every word he'd speak to me began eating me to the core... any good or bad thing said would do it... and it always reversed back to me... "How dare he? Well, I'll show him, and I'll screw me! ...it must be me... I'm the curse." that cycle only ate me away more and more and...I'd became a right terror! I'd lash back like an injured badger, trying to ward off attacks with vindictive strikes. I'd pull him down by his weaknesses.
Well I’m right here And you’re right there And God knows we’ve got to start somewhere ‘Cause I’m messed up And you’re broken And those shots we fired are still smokin’
When I'd pull out of the bitter attacks I'd weep and my heart would finally catch up with my head, and I'd be reaching out to him, "I've got to change this, before the sun sets on another death..." I wanted reconciliation, I hated the dragging down the two of us were doing to each other in degrading words, in my playing with his fears, I hated it! We were not portraying Christ in what we did... eye for eye, tooth for tooth... next we knew... we were blinded and toothless.
I’m tossin’ and turnin’ on the things I’d undo As I wrestle with the painful truth My sleep escapes me as guilt berates me Exhausted, the memories are drawing so near I can see it like a world premiere When did my objective lose all objectiveness?
I'd stay up night after night, crying, aching, and begging God to lead me to forgive him and help me to make things right with him... I wanted to overcome this evil, this bitterness, the division... I wanted to show him that truly there was a light and hope... and that was Christ... it was one thing to know it... it was a whole nother thing to live like you know it... I wanted to shine light and hope on him and be the woman that God wished me to be.
If I need you, and you need me How can you turn your back and just leave me? When I’m right here, and you’re right there And God knows we’ve got to start somewhere
Several times we'd cut each other and a pain would always take over... but, every time we did, I'd pray, and remember that I've been through other friendships like this, and now those friendships are in brighter days.... continuously I'd reach out to him... as I do with every friend.
I said some things that I regret And if I could, I’d take ‘em back If I could turn my words around You wouldn’t hear a sound But here I am, and there you are The space between us is not so far I’m reaching out my hand in love Before the fading sun, forgive me for what I’ve done
I'd constantly reach down to him, chance after chance. I sometimes don't understand why I do it. I only know one thing... I didn't want to be tortured by bitterness or anger, and I wanted to be his friend... and if I was going to be his friend, I might as well start pulling up my end to make it a productive friendship... Even with him asking me why I'd stay his friend after his treatment... I have no answer for him, the ones I give him can't be the true down deep answer... but, really, I was just as bad... even with my therapist asking me if it bothers me how much work I have to put in this relationship... I must say, I'm quite used to it, I often am the hardest worker in a relationship, and I'm happy to be... I have found some rewards in working so hard... and anyway...we all need mercy, we all need grace, we all need forgiveness....
READ MATTHEW 6:12&14-15
Arianna Persephone Scriptsmith