18 November, 2013

Never Will I Leave You

Well, a night to stay up. Not in fear, no, not in rage. Not in sadness, bitterness, nor pain... but just to ponder on the changing power of One Name. Silence is my friend for this night. no laughter, no tears, no fear, no anger... nothing, except... How much change God can make in one, 24-hr day. All day... all day, messages were inserted into my head one by one... by one... to prepare for a battle that began and ended in all but a 3hr span of time. The first message pierced through the surface... the second prepared me to learn about a certain personality trait that our Lord, Jesus Christ has... the third was more uncomfortable...

1. Chicken Catapult: The imagination of one priest can create a bit of understanding... this priest said to us in Sunday School, "I have a friend who thought all her problems... big and small were being caused by Satan... then I got a picture of Satan with a catapult... and he's putting chickens in there... and shooting them all around her, and they're all squawking gibberish and she's there panicking... I told her, directly, 'and he's shooting all these chickens, and you're just bending to a knee and cowering under the ruckus and hullabaloo over things that don't matter... and the enemy's over there with his catapult, laughing at you as you're overrun by fear... he doesn't HAVE to send demons under every rock for you, you're right under his thumb and he thinks it's hysterical... it's ridiculous!" That made a scratch and I was exposed to another relentless blow in the heart:

2. Vigilance: In the sermon, our Deacon Mike said something along the lines of, Imagine being one of the disciples, with Jesus... You have got to be on you're toes with Him... as they show Jesus the temple, pride and glorifying the handmade synagogue... You say; 'Look at this Lord, nothing could compare!' They believe Jesus is going to shake his head in awe and say; 'Yeah, it's awesome!' But, what they get is, 'Yeah... I have something to tell you... There will come a time when not two stones will be one on top another.' And if we are anything like the disciples we're going to want to know when these things will take place... we will want to know the signs... so we will be ready! ...When being a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must be on our toes, because His answers are unexpected, and will hit us out of nowhere, and we must be prepared for the change.

3. Thanksgivings: As usual... Pastor Nowell stepped up to the stage, grabbed his bulletin and recited the prayers of the people... but I assume when the invitation for Thanksgivings came there was a resounding silence in the congregation(I didn't experience it, I am afraid, because I had left for a few minutes and came back to this...), he cut it off and did not continue the reciting... he looked at the congregation, with grief, passionate grief, and slowly convicted us, on the spot... "It is awkward when I invite thanksgivings and there is silence in the congregation." After a moment of letting that settle in he began quickening his tone; "Are we a church of praise? Or are we unwilling to give thanks to our Creator who gives every and all blessings? Our hearts seemingly overflow with thanks on Thanksgiving... but you know what I think? They're really not! I'm talking to myself, I'm talking to all of us when I say, I will give thanks just out of duty... but, I want you to realize... There are people in the world, this very moment... dying for this faith we confess! And I'm not saying that to make us feel better! This is a wake-up call! (What have we become?) Maybe I'm wrong... maybe thanksgivings are something to be dwelt on in silence... I'm willing to be wrong... I want to be wrong! But, what if a visitor came one day... and the invitation for thanksgivings is called and there is complete silence?! What will they think? What will that make us? What. example. have. we. set. there?" I stood out of the aisles of chairs, staring at him... I was gaping at him.... I was shocked! Hurt even! A silent whisper told me in my heart, "It's the truth. It's supposed to hurt." Within a fraction of a second my emotions mixed before my gaze... first, shock, then consideration, then outrage, then resignation, then I stiffened my lip as he said something else; "And so, instead of our usual invitation of intercessions, each of you have someone beside you, that needs a blessing, speak into their heart and it can be as simple as; 'may the God who does good works in you bless you this week.'" Everyone had a partner and I stood there, alone... and back in shock... then I let my gaze wander through the entire congregation.. it seemed everyone had a partner.... but, there was one young lady... (trying not to cry right there) alone.... stiff as me.... I went after her.... I was speechless... a quick muttered, 'may God bless you...' and it wasn't even heartfelt.... she smiled... but, she was sad... she said it was business... but she was heavyhearted... and I just gave a lifeless blessing.... She doesn't know this... and right now... it's a terror right in the front of my mind.... what have I become?

After that... I humbly went into the intercessory prayers... after communion.... and asked for prayer... strength and humility to break my pride..... I didn't know what I was asking at the time...

Came home... all fired up... masked euphoria... "Yay, great Sunday!" I said... and I was prepared mercifully for the 4-5 battle to come... but, I wasn't noting it taking place... slowly... I gave into despair, anger, rage, bitterness and vengeance and within one second everything went out... A brother had to deal with a spirit of rage and anger toward a God who dared hurt my heart that opened the door for more darkness and a full-blown demon came... I was a fool... and I lashed out; "Stoppit" I screamed... I didn't want God... "God isn't love" I said!!! I never cared! I don't know how it blew up to that! But 5 times the Name, the Name, the Name-- and it continued with a bang!Until I was down on the floor, cracked and snapped... In shock, once more...

I tried to arm myself one more time... Gotta tell daddy... It went by so quickly and loudly and don't even know what we were talking about... cuz it wasn't about what I did... It was me being uptight... anxious... and then, the passive and serene shield I try to put up there disappeared.... And I fell hard again..... Apathy was the repercussion.... I became depressed, tried to convince myself I was filth enough to kill myself, but still trying to hope.... and have reasons to stay... , thanks to my Mother Berserker, I was kept alive.... then it was in the silence I engulfed myself in that God spoke to me... I'll close with this;

I opened to a song to speak to me... and then an overflow of that artist singer, which led to a song with one verse that stood out the most... "Trust in Me. Keep your life free from what the love of money will do... Am I not enough for you?" And I sat there, dumbfounded... And realized... I've only tithed once in my life... Everyone thinks that testing God is a sin. Period. But, there is one thing that he actually invited us to test him on the promise that if you give a little to Him it will return in more bountiful ways than what keeping the money can give you, cuz once you keep it, that's all you have... And ten it's lost...Reminds me of those servants... The two who gave a little and then came back double, the master told him "well done, good and faithful servant." But to the one who dug it in a hole and could not find it... To him he said, "depart from me!". It combined the entire message that I was too proud to see in one verse in a song. In thanksgiving, we give unto God, we trust and He blesses and with the blessings He pours to the brim... it must overflow to bless others.

In Christ forever and always...
A Heart Who Waits

Trust in Me, Keep your life free, From what the love of money will do Am I not enough for you? (Chorus) Never will I leave you, That's something I'll never do. Forever remember that it's true, Never will I leave you. When you fear, The scars and tears. Remember what I have sworn, I'll be with you through the storm. (Chorus) And when you fear, That's when I'm near. Your soul's security, When will you believe? (Chorus) Never will I leave you... --Michael Card "Never Will I Leave You"

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