"If you face the fear that keeps you frozen Chase the sky into the ocean That's when something wild calls you home, home"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

Life has been rough lately. But I've been working to improve myself and to cope with my issues. The way I'm doing it is the most unorthodox way you could ever do it though. And believe me it is something WILD! But I'll get to it at the end!

I'm Not Perfect...

As many know I have severe BPD, Bipolar NOS, and anxiety/panic disorder. Often times I have difficulty living through it. I do many things I truly regret which often leaves me in bed, all day, I feel things deeply and am very turbulent. And, regrettably, I can walk all over my friends.  

Although it's not all bad to have these things, as they also helps me learn perseverance. It also makes life a daily a struggle... I struggle to even keep up with my hygiene to get y'all see how bad it is. So sometimes, I find myself not noticing how I treat my friends and family. I emotionally vomit and cross boundaries, without even knowing I'm doing it. Recently, I had a situation in church where exactly that happened. I overused people, without realizing it and was banned shorting then put on a trial-based return. And last night, it came to my attention, that there are several friends may be dealing with it too. 

I admit I am not perfect and I'm not using my mental illness as an excuse. I only bring it up to explain that it isn't out of malice or because I wanna make things difficult. I also want to apologize to any who I've done this to recently. Just so you know I may need y'all to be blunt with me. Don't be scared to tell me that I'm crossing lines. If the topic in of itself may hurt and you don't wanna hurt me, just tell me. I honestly would rather be hurt than to continually hurt other. Obviously don't try to purposefully hurt me, but don't be scared to be upfront.

Face Everything and Rise; What True Courage Is...

Now, that we got that situation dealt with I'll get onto the next topic... I wanted to write a bit of encouragement for everyone. Many of my friends are going through a rough time too. They believe that their unforgiven, or that they cannot live on their own, single, or that they have to trudge on by their own strength, or that they should just die... Let me tell you guys something.... You guy so courageous. I've seen how you guys fight hard. I've seen your beautiful hearts love and love and love on people.

Brother, you are forgiven, God loves you beyond your missteps and even most cruelest of things. He made you, a vessel of dishonour into a vessel of honour. You are forgiven of even the most disgusting sins you've committed, go in courage, and be encouraged. Sister, you are amazing. You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. You don't need a lover to give you worth. And the fact you are still here shows your courage and that you're worth so much more. Brother, I forgive for what you've done. And I understand your fear to open up. You still believe you gotta do this alone. You have the guts and toughness of  a fighter. But not the courage and compassion of a true warrior, but it isn't too late, be encouraged to come home....

Not A Race

43 days ago I relapsed (again) and cut. But I cut 3 times before that... The first time, I had to get some stitches. I've had to come to terms with that. Encouraging myself and realizing that I am not racing for perfection. I'm in a dance and learning, daily how to change things in order to improve. Relapses aren't a step back. It's a lesson in adjusting so you know the last strategy doesn't work and can find one that will. Thus I bring the hope in the storm to y'all....

My Own Unorthodox Coping (& Conclusion)

Well, that comes to my last bit... I'm a furry now, coping with my stuff and planning a ministry to help mentally ill kids... :) Go visit my furry blog here... Peace out and rock on, dahlings! May fair winds follow you and the Author guide you,
Ari

(ALL PICTURES BELONG TO ME--except the gifs-- AND ARE COPYRIGHTED (C) 2017)

EDIT: Also I'll be quitting wattpad now... only coming back on to transfer writings on docs.... I'll give you a heads up later to tell you where I'll be posting my writings, or if I will be...

"By your spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat. The resurrected King is resurrecting me."

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

 

Introduction

Well, woooorld of the 'net! It is I, Mari Fahel McKimzey (...or Ari...) back from the "dead"! Second move was a success and to top it, now that Aric is moved out, we have a much better relationship with each other! Furthermore, I'm getting him to come with me to Merge tonight! But I'll talk more on that in a moment.... anyhoo....

 

Celebrate Recovery, New Day, and Merge... Oh d-d-d-dear-dear...

CR is taking a break for until the first of the year so that they can regroup, many of their leaders left after all. Meanwhile, I'm going to New Day once more. Focusing on becoming more independent so when the next opportunity to move comes, I'll be prepared to move out and not deal with the stress of living with my folks anymore. I love my family and all, but I'm growing really tired of living with them and want to grow with a bit more room now... On a brighter note, I've been going to Merge every week, and as the introduction suggest, my brother and I are going there together, tonight. After striking a deal with him for spending the night with him last night and missing morning church, he agreed to go with me!

NaNoWriMo '16, LIGHTforMI, Advent Countdown, and Vloggin' TOO!

As everyone can tell though, it is November! And y'all know what that means too! NaNoWriMo(and the upcoming advent countdown)! This year, I started writing this book:

 

I'm hoping to get it done this year, but it's not very likely... Anyhoo.... for the advent countdown, everyone knows I make Christmas art up until Christmas! This year, it'll be held on my Art Instagram :D Recently I've also been vlogging on my instagrams and on my musical.ly! If you go to find me on that app, I am @braveyunvagabond.

 

Also have been trying to focus on my ministry...difficult though it may be on my own... I'm hoping that I can find a way to make prompts for others to write, draw, make speeches or sing things on mental illness so we can push this forward... Also expanding the media into audio a visual on youtube and podcasts field with the expansion I call Soundwaves of Love! Please support me in this...

 

Conclusion

With all that said, I'm hoping y'all are having a blessed autumn! With Thanksgiving and Christmas on the way, I'd like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas because it may be a while before I can get back to blog lolz! But do you like my new template y'all? Anyhoo... Peace out and rock on folks!

 

....and I've returned....yet again!

Hello, y'all! I'm back! Lately I've had to come to the library to post, as mention before in my last post. And since it's so blooming hot this summer in South Carolina (it got to 101 degree Fahrenheit on Friday) I'd prefer to come here only two times a week (Friday for Celebrate Recovery and Sunday for Merge!) Anyhoo, I said I had plenty to update y'all on, and because of this I am kinda breaking my usual layout on blogposts...

So, where to start? January of this year I began going to Celebrate Recovery and since then I've built my support group. The church that it was held in was First Baptist Spartanburg and so, I learned that there was also a college group that met Sunday evenings (that would be Merge). March of this year I started going there big time and making great new friends.

I went to the library a lot during the Autumn, Winter and Spring and went to a meeting for NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) and told them of my ministry for mental illness and they began to team up with us. Mum has been going on training meetings and they have a few for myself as well. Through this opportunity, I do hope that LIGHTforMI will get a little more well known.

Art, music and writing has become a huge deal in my life, especially now. And practicing it seems to make me better and better at it. I am often setting challenges for myself and have also decided to start writing all things with my left hand rather than my right. Daddy and my brother have taught me how to shoot (daddy's teaching me archery, Aric's teaching me slingshots and pellet guns hehe!) And I'm picking up new hobbies!

It's been a very eventful year and I wish one post was enough to explain all of it... but I will update/catch up with all of you later, definitely! You see, the library closes at 6pm and I want the rest of this hour for other things, and I gotta get to Merge around 6:30! Peace out y'all! Rock on~! Buh bye!

"The noise and confusion gave way to His word At last sacred silence so God could be heard"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

Sorry, y'all for not writing much since my last post... It's been an entire year now, huh? Well, heyuu again ladies and gents! Anyhow, life began to settle down a tad, only to get confusing and chaotic again. We moved in around July 2015 and enjoyed the house lots... But then we realized the hard way that we couldn't afford it... So I have lots of news about that... and other things;

...Yet Again...

 Well, after a year of living in this awesome house, we are moving out yet again.... But it's gonna be a wee bit different this time. My brother and I are being nudged out of the nest and having to move now. Well, that isn't unheard of; (haha!) after all, Aric's 26 and I am about to turn 23 in 2 weeks... This scared me a lot at first... But, now even though I have butterflies in my tummy, I at peace with this knowledge... and almost excited about it, too! I have to prove to my mother that I can handle living on my own without living in a group home. And to do that, I must keep my room clean, manage my dishes well, stretch my money as long as I can, and stretch my food throughout the month. I'm pretty confident that I can do this, but it is taking me a wee bit of time to do it. To many people, this is just their daily routine... For me, though, it is a struggle...

Within 9 Months...

Daddy made me aware that he is going to aim to change his name to either MacKenzie or MacMillan within 9 months. To add to that, he said he is adopting my brother and myself. After 17 years of waiting, I'm almost broke down on my own, cuz I was so filled with joy. I have been hoping for this for so long, so gimme a break! lolz!

New Style... Hippy Goth!

Welp, I changed my style up a wee bit to Hippy Goth. Obviously it's a Christianized Version of it! Just trying to find myself. And I think I have :) I feel comfortable with my choice in style. Hopefully growing out my mullet so I can have long hair agree and I plan to dye my hair auburn red and black, in highlights! xD So far, though, I am hiding my mullet with hats, scarves, and hoodies. lolz!

Conclusion

I really do have more to update y'all on, but I am pressed for time and can only update this post when on the library pc's for the time being and I have to run to Celebrate Recovery here soon! If y'all ever want more consistent updates, go visit on my instagrams and tumblrs:

spartanbugragamuffin - Instagram
sweetspicegingersnap - Instagram
lightformi - Instagram

The Tales of a Ragamuffin Warrioress
Luceo Non Uro (I Shine Not Burn)

Enjoy! And I will try to update back again later!

"Step by step, one day at a time. I know whatever comes my way I’ll be fine. I don't need anything more than right here, right now."

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

Hey guys, things are tight and overwhelming, but I believe things are under control. God has us and though things are rough and stressful I know God won't let us go...

Emergency Move!

Wow... things escalated quickly since my last blogpost. We will be moving August 4th. We have to be packed and completely out by then because there is toxic mold in my bedroom and our lease is up in August... God provided some good options, but I often wonder how we're gonna pull this off. I'm going through my things and trashing ruined things and cleaning up mold from my things before packing them and typing up my hard copies of my writing and then trashing them... I am so overwhelmed! But, I am trying to be optimistic and positive and more importantly trust in God through it all...

EDIT: God provided a house, money for the down payment, free boxes from various stores, and a place to get reasonably priced packing tape. If he could provide for all that I am quite convinced that he is gonna pull through with the time to pack up and move there. And here I was doubting and afraid that we might not get through this... It was pretty quick that these things took place.

Conclusion

I won't be posting as much due to these turn of events but, I will try to blog asap! So, prayers, brothers and sisters in Christ, would be very much appreciated... God bless y'all! A buh-bye!

"Who are you to change this world? Silly Boy! No one needs to hear your words. Let it go."

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

Hello to all my loverlies! Life has been a rough ride lately. I've been struggling with depression and not wanting to connect with humanity. I've been afraid to do as the Lord called me to do. I've also been so absorbed by the news lately. But, otherwise, I am about to turn 22 in 11 days and life is a blessing! I have been fairly consistent in my birthday countdown and listening to new music by bands/artists that follow me on instagram and twitter and writing plent of poems on wattpad:

Work and Insecurities

I will be hopefully working at the New Day Clubhouse with a slight possibility of living there too! I am excited to get more active in my adult life! It gives me some butterflies in my stomach, but it is a healthy nervousness... :) Though there are some good things in my life, been overcome by shame and fear over my actions and the insanity of the world. It makes it hard to trust my instincts and to trust God. Even though I say I trust and believe in His grace, I feel as though that is a mask rather than faith... For some strange reason, I trust Satan's lies more than God's truth... and that grieves me.

Birthday Time!

I took Gramma out to eat at Jason's Deli instead of Nose Dive and it was nice to get some time with her... She bought me water dancing speakers and a scarf:

I enjoy these a lot and I look forward to my birthday (and my Gramma's, Aunt's, Daddy's, and Cousin's) that is coming up! :D

Conclusion

Also, I started up a ligtformi instagram! Looking forward to getting onto that. I'll be writing several books soon, but I've come across some writer's block... which isn't fun! I've also taking upon myself the responsibility of mentoring a friend in the faith. I am finding that hard for me to do, but I feel it is God's hand guiding me in... but I admit that I maybe wrong... But, prayers in all of this would be appreciated! And I love ye all! Anyhoo peace out rock on and be good! bai bai!!!

"God help the outcasts, children of God..."

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

As said in my LIGHTforMI post, I have been going through a lot of stuff. But, I've been pulling through it all with writing, spending time with Aneira and enjoying music! I've cleaned my bedroom after so long. And am beginning to cut my losses and learning that through prayer, I'll make it. And that prayer, in essence is a poem... So many of prayers are becoming poems soon to be songs. So these are the poems I've been working on lately, and I'm aiming to write a fictional story based on these poems;

The Ragamuffin Gospel [by Brennan Manning] and onto The Prodigal God [by Timothy Keller] and More...

Well, I finished the book, The Ragamuffin Gospel and I'm moving onto The Prodigal God. It was a wonderful, mind-altering book to read! I look forward to reading my next spiritual book! I am reading The Princess Spy by Melanie Dickerson and it is no disappointment, either! It's just as good as the others! Working on Momoru, still! Just as excited as before to finish my first story! Things are working out to be good!

Birthday Month A-Comin'!

July is fast approaching! I'm going to be 22! I am planning to go to Nose Dive on Main in Greenville with my Gramma to share our birthday meal! And from June 22nd-July 22nd I'll be hosting my Hobbit Birthday Party Themed writing challenge on my writing blog! I'm soo excited! My parents' anniversary is on the 3rd, for that I'm planning a surprise for 'em!

Oh! I Almost Forgot! The Highland Games [..and more...]!

The Highland Games was awesome! And I've been going off and doing many more activities [which you can look at on my instagram!] I have many other activities planned [like the Adult Summer Readin, which I've already begun!] cuz I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep my recovery going steady I've gotten 2 weeks and a day without cutting for which that I'm proud!

Conclusion

So... to finish this rant... I'm glad that I'm alive! Even with the rough seas! Being there for my sis in her own trials is nice! And my recovery from erotica reading is beginning to look like the duel between Hinata and Neji Hyuga in Naruto...

Ending me up like:

But still fighting...

Lately, I've been miserable:

But, I am thankful to my family and friends for standing by me through all this... :3

And knowing that God loves even me is strengthening me through all my trials and mess ups. REMINDER TO MYSELF: I AM HIS MASTERPIECE, HIS EMPIRE, HIS MOSAIC, HIS ARCHITECTURE!

And for that I can smile through tears... Peace out and rock on!