17 February, 2013

Believe it or not!

These are my teen years summarized in 7 parts!
  • When I was 13, I was easily excited. Nothing seemed to be wrong at this time... a smile meant happy and a laugh meant joy. It seemed that ignorance was sweet...for a little while. I went to church, had a youth group, participated in church activities....I was a Christian right? Not a glimmer of doubt about that....so I must've been right? Not so...
  • 14 came, and I continued in conforming to the likeness of most Christians and not the likeness of Christ. Several times, we changed churches... I was now going to a youth group in someone's home every other Thursday at 7pm. Sure, I began cutting....sure doubts were coming over my mind, but I'd prevail right? God was with me, right? That might've been so....but was I willing to accept His help?
  • 15...no more going to church.... cut from fellowship and the Word drew me into a deep darkness and cold than I had ever been in.....we had gone from one church to another every few years, sometimes sooner than that! Homechurch was kind of a blur.... Chip Ingrim's lessons went in one ear and out the other...I didn't understand what following Christ was about... the darkness became almost weekly, as cuts, soon to be scars went from the top of my wrist to my elbow. God must be there....He promised right?
  • 16.....deeper darkness, fear, and constant cries for help, going from one friend to another and calling out for a hand. Therapy didn't help, meds weren't helping, not even the visit to the hospital at age 15...I saw no escape and darkness seemed to be never ending. Death, blood, torture, those were all the topics of my writing then....God forsook me? Not so....
  • 17...Back in church once more.... nudged in the right direction, and yet unwilling to go...darkness hadn't quite finished subsiding....but, I did see a glimmer of light.... fear hadn't run out... now I was quiet in church outings/meetings I didn't participate in youth group much....for fear of judgement...Afraid to speak out....afraid to question....afraid to learn....Several friends tried to get me to open up, until the youth pastor started assigning me seats near the other youth.... Way out of my comfort zone, she seemed to expect me to participate, ask questions, and fellowship....not just quietly learn.... I began to blossom slowly, now was the time for a change.... One step at a time.....
  • 18......Finally taking my faith as my own, a journey through tears, laughter, strength and weakness, faithfulness and treachery, outspoken faith and complete denial, everything seemed wild....and crazy.....would there be a victory?
  • I have finally taken myself out of my teen years, working daily towards a closer relationship with Jesus Christ.... a daily walk....I realize I do not need the acceptance of man to be whole.... The acceptance of a biological father is no longer required.... never was, never will be.... He wouldn't be able to heal me, never will, never could...... God's acceptance, love, mercy, grace, peace, faithfulness, patience, joy, hope, gentleness, kindness and self-control will be what will heal me.....the fruits of the spirit has changed me, changes me, and will always change me, until I am finished and with Christ!
  • Reeling courageously,
    Mari J. Kimzy-Fahel

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