The Peculiar Tales of a Ragamuffin Warrior Princess
Her passion and imagination was so vast and so wild, it came curling from the top of her head
~M.J. FAHEL MCKIMZEY |
I'm a brave ragamuffin princess raised in SC! Bookdragon, Blogger, Vlogger Scriptsmith, Artisan ,&; Bard for Christ.
So the past few days, I have been incredibly productive. With my mental health sorta going really down after some incredibly unfortunate circumstances, I finally "snapped" and started on writing, a little bit every day in 4thewords.com, cleaning up my room, creating emojis for discord, and trying new games on steam. My goal is to get back into the swing of things with my creative pursuits, my ministries, and in my day-to-day life. I am also hoping to get back into community with others even if it is online so that I am more expanded and no longer focused on Tyvek and one discord server. I finally decided to cut Facebook out as I lost my temper and the camel broke its back after yet another case of toxic behaviour from a "friend" when I was coping with a harmless post during the time that my mother was in the ER, getting an intestinal surgery. After finally cutting it out save for messenger, I feel oh so much more healthier and calm. Shortly after my mum getting her surgery, my family friend, Marge died at 92 which truly made things harder for me to cope with. After nearly harming myself upon finding out because of my anger with myself for not visiting her on her last days, and not being able to cry until after the funeral, I decided it was time rise up and control what I could about my mental health. Starting by creating more, then working hard on my room by bagging the clothes in my room and setting a goal to wash 1 load per day.
Soon, we have to move out due to inability to afford anything in my hometown. And my ultimate goal is to live in a clean apartment and to pack things neatly by the time we have to. There are two ideas going around we are aiming foremost to move by September 2022. However there is a very very slight, not set-in-stone, barely a dusting idea that we may have to break lease and move sooner and if that is the case, I want my apartment to be in a flexible position where either could work and so I am working to clean, organize and try to pack at least one box per week and quicken the pace as the move draws nearer. So firstly, I have cleaned by bagging clothes and started my first load of laundry and tomorrow, I intend on throwing the trash away to make things more cleanly. Otherwise, I've continued/pressed on with my algebra 1 in attempts to finish as soon as possible, ever so slowly. However, at the moment, I am simply practicing speed-thru math solutions in my head. Which is also incredibly difficult. Honestly I am hoping things will improve with my capacity to do mental math. Wish me well on that. To bootI have also been working on my health and went to see my OB GYN, had my sleep study and now am going for a sleep doctor checkup tomorrow and will update y'all on that as well! At the moment, not much else to update on except that I am hoping to be blogging more often. and that I shall be livestreaming and podcasting very soon, mostly on twitch. Look out for me on there and check my tiktok more often, friends! And may fair winds follow you and the Author guide you!
All I really have to do now, though, is unpack and settle in. I set up the Xbox 360 (and updated it), set up the wi-fi, and a Netflix account that we all are pitching in for. Each us providing no more than $2.66 each.
20 days 'til I'm halfway there
Like I said above I'll be hitting my half-year mark in 20 days! Which, to me, is a huge accomplishment!
Urge level (0 =none at all 5 =highest it has been yet): 0
Self harm: 160 days clean
1 MONTH (30 DAYS) MARK HIT 09/27/2017 ☑️
2 MONTH (60 DAYS) MARK HIT 10/27/2017 ☑️
3 MONTH (90 DAYS) MARK HIT 11/27/2017 ☑️
4 MONTH (120 DAYS) MARK HIT 12/27/2017 ☑️
5 MONTH (150 DAYS) MARK HIT 01/27/2018 ☑️
6 MONTH (180 DAYS) MARK HIT 02/27/2018
7 MONTH (210 DAYS) MARK HIT 03/29/2018
8 MONTH (240 DAYS) MARK HIT 04/28/2018
9 MONTH MARK HIT (270) 05/28/2018
10 MONTH (300 DAYS) MARK HIT 06/27/2018
11 MONTH (330 DAYS) MARK HIT 07/27/2018
12 MONTH (360 DAYS) MARK HIT 08/28/2018
1 YEAR (365 DAYS) MARK HIT 09/03/2018
TIME CLEAN BEFORE MY LAST RELAPSE: 28 days
LONGEST CLEAN: 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days clean
Conclusion
Welp, I unpacked the kitchen today and helped in other ways. and I plan to start unpacking my bedroom tomorrow and getting maintenance over to get some things fixed in the apartment. Otherwise, just been chilling and enjoying my time with 5 mammals instead of 9 lolz! Peacin' on out mon! Good day to ye all!
Well I know it's way late for my New Years' post.... but HELLUU 2018!!! 2017 was a hell of a year... and when I say that... it isn't positive. Whew.... Since it's completely behind me, and it is no longer news.... I am willing to open up about a few harsh points of 2017 that I didn't say for a longer time....
Arrested
Yes, you read that right... I was arrested. Phewy... I did something I truly regret and shoplifted. Was taken to jail and endured a week there, and from then on, I resolved to never do that again. But the full year was spent doing PTI and working to clear my name. From December-January 15th I crunched in a lot of hours for community service, plus yesterday I did my last step and did my drug test.... And now it's all behind me.
Review of 2017...
God has been there for us in ways I can't describe... But now that 2017 is over, I can't help but be glad.... You all know that I was kicked out of Merge in January 2017, you all know that through my depression during the past few months, I was cut off by Eli, and my shame from being arrested and the shame from Merge weighed me down considerably and I needed extra help from friends but was unable to get it... Eli couldn't take it. And soon afterward, I would have lost Savannah too, for being unable to give her the help she needed, which she thought was selfishness... but it was just being too weak and burdened with my family, the work and shame of jail, and other important issues that went on and that's what ended the friendship.
I understand that her baby had died and she was fighting with her own legal stuff with her living children and trying to bring them back home.... but that isn't a reason to accuse her best and closest friend of selfishness when she also is weak from her own fight. Anyhow, my father and I have had a horrid time at it, thus we have worked to get me out of the house, with my roommate, Suzanne (who returned after a bad situation in South Africa, which I'm glad for). Well, now, after his own abuse, and fight mental and spiritual war, Aric will, too, be my roommate. Which helps all three of us at once (not to mention, my mum, daddy, and Aneira will finally have the place to themselves with our new cat, Sebastian)
Cats, kittens, and no more please!
First off, lemme tell ye I absolutely love cats. And they will always be my favorite pets. But, there's gotta be a line. I'm turning into my Aunt Julie! lolz! So, first of all Suzanne and I were outdoors, hanging out in the screened-in porch... and we heard a meow. Turning around, I saw this cute little black and white kitten (perhaps a few months old) right through the screen who was crying for help. Mind you, by this time it's winter and this poor baby was completely abandoned. I opened the screen door and he ran around the porch to the door and leapt in my arms as if I were his mama. And started kneading muffins on my chest. Later, we were preparing to take him to the humane society but it was night and Friday, which meant we'd have to wait for two days... by the time it was time to take him though, he melted the entire family's heart and stayed. Beorn and Kaitra didn't like it very much, but such is life.
Within weeks, though Beorn passed away. Breaking the heart of everyone in the house.... It was quick and out of nowhere. He collapsed and we had to rush him to the vet, but were too late. (RIP 11/16/2017 </3 :'( ) Sebastian (our new kitty) helped fill the void, left behind by Beorn which was a wonderful thing we were given by God's mercies. Something we didn't have when Galadrial had to be put down....
Later, however, Suzanne and I were, again, hanging out on the screened-in porch and we heard a loud meow and cry. This time, it came from clear across the street and way into a school's ground. We ran over there and there was a small ginger kitten, barely old enough to be separated from his mother (5 weeks maybe). I called daddy and we prepared to take him to the humane society... but something else came up.... it happened to be December 23rd... and nighttime, so we'd have to wait three days... but this time he melted up Suzanne's heart and now he's coming with us. Which is very good for both of them. I haven't seen her so happy in a long time <3
Place Found, Date Chosen
So now, we found a great refurbished 3-bedroom apartment for $1100. And the things that come with living there are awesome! (A fitness center, bark park, walking trail, on-site managment, car care center, pool, courtyard, on-site maintenance, fire pit, laundry facilities, outdoor kitchen recycling, bbq/picnic area, bike racks, playground, business center, and clubhouse.)
We also are gonna move there Feb. 3rd! So nine more days until my new life and freedom! I also think once I finish moving in there, I will finish up my last subject in homeschool.... That is my Algebra 1. So, soon I truly WILL get a new page. And I will work to keep it that way!
Conclusion
With all that said, I'd like to request that y'all go visit LIGHTforMI's Instagram to see daily updates to my life. It's gonna be a great time, I believe!
Feeling out of place? Don't worry, the other person is too.
INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."
- SYLVIA PLATH
TODAY'S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
I am eager to invite others to take part in my brave adventure because though it all, memories and goals are much more satisfying when savored. From best friends to complete strangers, I listen sincerely because each perspective brings its own unique value. An attitude of understanding removes limiting barriers and allows for mutual constructive growth. I always seek to recognize the potential in others and will encourage them in their own brave intentions.
TODAY'S JOURNAL PROMPTS
What conversation do I need to have that I’ve been putting off?
What am I scared of that has prevented me from having this conversation?
I feel as though I need to confront my old pastor, if not for my sake, for the next poor soul who wanders in there with similar issues as mine. He hasn't been acting Christ-like even if he was intending to be Christ-like and kind in his actions.
I'm scared that I might be in the wrong and may be treated with contempt. As I hate confronting others after conflict. It frightens me to be hurt again by words or tones. And if I was in the wrong... it would not have been worth while....
TODAY'S BRAVE ACT
Be vulnerably brave to ask someone for help that has already done what you're trying to do.
INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We should be inspired by people... who show that human beings can be kind, brave, generous, beautiful, strong-even in the most difficult circumstances."
- RACHEL CORRIE
TODAY'S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Taking that brave step forward may be scary, but it doesn't have to be a mystery. There are other's who have already climbed the mountains and taken the steps I want to take. More often than not, these mentors are honored to share how they did it and what they would've done differently. I will be brave today by asking for help.
TODAY'S JOURNAL PROMPTS
I would like more guidance in the following area:
Someone who I can reach out to today to ask for help with this:
I would like more guidance in doing my artwork. Especially in Celtic artwork. I truly wish to reach all ends of my heart and passion through art, and my heritage is such a deep passion of mine. I could remind my father as he is learning the same thing and also aims to teach my sister and myself.
TODAY'S BRAVE ACT
Gratitude may be perceived as a useful emotion for a greater well being[1], but few people seek it out consciously.
Today, set 3 gratitude alarms to go off at random times during today. As they alarm, stop whatever it is your doing and bring to mind 3 things you’re grateful for in that moment :)
If you'd like to deeply feel the power of gratitude in 5 minutes, try this 5 minute gratitude meditation.
INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears."
- TONY ROBBINS
TODAY'S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Fear is why I don’t take action on my intentions and anger is why I get stuck. Choosing to be grateful, however, even if only for a few moments, transforms my perspective of fear and anger to appreciation and contentment. I remind myself that it is impossible to be fearful while being grateful at the same time. Gratitude then, is my ultimate go-to tool for navigating bravely through the journey ahead.
TODAY'S JOURNAL PROMPTS
Something I can see in my environment that brings me joy …
A recent coincidence that left me with a smile …
A person I am blessed to have in my life right now …
-Daddy allowed me to have his altar in my room, recently, It has always brought me comfort throughout my life. And with it in my room, inspiration, comfort and joy. It's my favorite piece of work that he did that I hope he will allow me to move out with. -I was put in the right place and right time today, when walking to drop off a prescription at home, today. Where a mother and her two-year-old was waiting in the heat for a taxi ride that kept them waiting for an entire hour. She had no phone connection and needed to pick up her other baby at 8-months from daycare and the time window was shrinking. I overheard her talking to herself about having no vehicle was a struggle and I struck conversation, with her that I knew how it was. Then I ended up learning she was new in town and had nobody there that she knew, I gave her my number and ended up lending the use of my phone, keeping tabs on her 2-year-old and waiting with her until her ride arrived.
-In this time, life has been rough on us both. She has lost her children due to a series of very unfortunate events and I have been cast out of church, losing friends, and struggling family issues. But, I am blessed so to have my best friend, even in these times. I would never have gotten this far without her...
To prep yourself for this moment, try to force a giggle—maybe even a full-on belly laugh right now :)
Being optimistic is a choice.
INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be."
- MARSHA PETRIE SUE
TODAY'S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
As I encounter fear and opposition, I will greet it with an extra degree of kindness and care. I will let the curve of my smile grow into every negative thought and emotion. Navigating difficulty in this positive light turns obstacles into opportunities and empowers me to press on courageously.
TODAY'S JOURNAL PROMPTS
When things inevitably don’t go my way today, I will use optimism to overcome adversity by responding in the following way …
I'll say to myself; "Moment to moment and step by step, I'll carry on. Each day is a new day. Each minute a new minute. In these moments that grief is weighing me down, I shall look beyond it to the light." Because the truth is that we will not always feel this way.
I'll find beauty in something each day and soon, will blog about it. I'll make art out of my tears. Anything to bring beauty through the ashes. It's more than optimism, this is joy. It's more than happiness it's hope.
Today, pay extra attention to simple tasks you do every day:
When you take a shower, notice how the water flows down your skin; notice the temperature, the pressure, and the sounds of individual droplets.
When you are sitting, just as you are now, catch yourself slouching, sit up straight. Sit with alertness and intent. Take a deep breath, and let it all go.
When you get in bed tonight, listen to your heart. Just beat, after beat, after beat. Grateful it's always working hard to keep you alive even though you don't ask it to.
By staying focused during mundane tasks, we strengthen our willpower to focus on our larger goals.
INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
- SOCRATES
TODAY'S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
When I decide to give something my undivided attention, powerful emotions are created that inspire brave action. What's great is I always have complete control on where and how I direct my focus. Having a clear desired outcome and consistently focusing on it immediately changes my behavior, giving me the momentum I need to take daily actions that will lead to profound results.
TODAY'S JOURNAL PROMPTS
Something I've achieved that I might have previously thought impossible …
Something or someone that will get 100% of my attention today …
At one time, I achieved almost 2 years without cutting and donated for the first time. It made me feel strong and accomplished. My folks made the 1 year anniversary very special and it made me realize how much my folks truly cared and loved me. I remember the tears of joy flowing that night... It was the kind of crying I only dreamed about. It was the kind of accomplishment that I thought I'd never reach.
Today I will put my attention into catching up with my missed days, doing art for my Gryphon Wing Series. I've fallen behind in this as well. Hopefully I can also work on a couple of stories, because I've not written in any of them in ages. I miss writing fantasy already... I don't feel like myself without the pen.
Day 17/30
TODAY'S BRAVE ACT
Let your brave muscle repair and strengthen by reflecting and appreciating the daily small wins you've been accomplishing.
INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"There are days when it is very discouraging. You have to develop personal resilience to environmental things that come along. If you let every single environmental challenge knock you off your game, it's going to be very, very hard."
- RENEE JAMES
TODAY'S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Sometimes I feel like when I take one step forward, I end up falling two steps back. What’s important in this situation is that I don't let these setbacks deter me from staying course and moving forward. I must remember that life moves in waves and it’s okay to have bad days, as long as I get back up and keep pressing ahead.
TODAY'S JOURNAL PROMPTS
A recent moment that left me feeling scared and discouraged …
Reflecting on this moment, I see now that I grew from this challenging situation in the following way …
I was terrified when he blocked me. Humiliated, and ashamed. I rushed to another place to contact him asking him why.... He told me that he isn't very fond of me and didn't even like talking to me. What hurt the most was when I asked why he called me and he responded with "I didn't intend to, believe you me." Realizing that I was what's wrong, that just my presence was the problem, I broke down. It still affects me deeply...
But looking in hindsight, I will honestly say that I've grown to be myself, to release him and his texts. Doing this once again makes it harder to heal, because it seems I even pick at my spiritual sores, as I do with my physical. But knowing that he just doesn't like me helps me to let him go more....
Day 18/30
TODAY'S BRAVE ACT
The next stranger that crosses your path,
ask them the first genuine question that comes to mind.
INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."
- MARIE CURIE
TODAY'S WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
My perception of the world and belief in what is possible is not limited by the interpretation of others. It is through direct experience that I develop a concrete understanding of my own reality. This develops a confidence at a cellular level that enables me to freely and courageously navigate any adventure. I know I might not find the answer or reach the destination I set out for, but this quest of inquiry will at least open myself up to a mystery that’s meant to be lived.
TODAY'S JOURNAL PROMPTS
What assumed truth has fearfully prevented me from taking action?
What personal experience could give me a better understanding this fear?
"I am mentally impaired" Having my mental illness leaves me fairly shaken and held firm in my past, unable to walk forward. I often feel like my mental illness is what makes me a hex in my friendships and a black stain to my family. The confusion I feel and the inability to shake free from my mental illness has always left me ashamed to come outside and fearful of what might happen if I go outside.
I could imagine my mental illness as those weights in Mulan. I mean when they thought of it as a burden, it wouldn't allow them to retrieve the arrow at the top. When Mulan realized at almost the end that she needed to use the weights as a rope to climb upward, she finally reached the arrow. Instead of seeing my mental illness as a burden, I could use it as a way to climb.... and I try to, daily... but the past is always chasing me down.
