"I wanna scream like it's never been said But mean it like a black tattoo"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

Lots have happened since my last update. And I am excited by all of it! So, without further ado... The NEWSFLASH!

Moved! Now to get settled in...

We got pretty much everything in the apartment! (If you want to know more about it visit the links below:)

The Daily Struggle 2018

Day 34/365 

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Part Three)

Day 35/365 

(Part One)

(Part Two)

All I really have to do now, though, is unpack and settle in. I set up the Xbox 360 (and updated it), set up the wi-fi, and a Netflix account that we all are pitching in for. Each us providing no more than $2.66 each.

20 days 'til I'm halfway there

Like I said above I'll be hitting my half-year mark in 20 days! Which, to me, is a huge accomplishment!

Urge level (0 =none at all 5 =highest it has been yet): 0

Self harm: 160 days clean

1 MONTH (30 DAYS) MARK HIT 09/27/2017 ☑️

2 MONTH (60 DAYS) MARK HIT 10/27/2017 ☑️

3 MONTH (90 DAYS) MARK HIT 11/27/2017 ☑️

4 MONTH (120 DAYS) MARK HIT 12/27/2017 ☑️

5 MONTH (150 DAYS) MARK HIT 01/27/2018 ☑️

6 MONTH (180 DAYS) MARK HIT 02/27/2018

7 MONTH  (210 DAYS) MARK HIT 03/29/2018

8 MONTH (240 DAYS) MARK HIT 04/28/2018

9 MONTH MARK HIT (270) 05/28/2018

10 MONTH (300 DAYS) MARK HIT 06/27/2018

11 MONTH (330 DAYS) MARK HIT 07/27/2018

12 MONTH (360 DAYS) MARK HIT 08/28/2018

1 YEAR (365 DAYS) MARK HIT 09/03/2018

TIME CLEAN BEFORE MY LAST RELAPSE: 28 days

 LONGEST CLEAN: 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days clean

Conclusion

Welp, I unpacked the kitchen today and helped in other ways. and I plan to start unpacking my bedroom tomorrow and getting maintenance over to get some things fixed in the apartment. Otherwise, just been chilling and enjoying my time with 5 mammals instead of 9 lolz! Peacin' on out mon! Good day to ye all!

"Step by step, one day at a time. I know whatever comes my way I’ll be fine. I don't need anything more than right here, right now."

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

Hey guys, things are tight and overwhelming, but I believe things are under control. God has us and though things are rough and stressful I know God won't let us go...

Emergency Move!

Wow... things escalated quickly since my last blogpost. We will be moving August 4th. We have to be packed and completely out by then because there is toxic mold in my bedroom and our lease is up in August... God provided some good options, but I often wonder how we're gonna pull this off. I'm going through my things and trashing ruined things and cleaning up mold from my things before packing them and typing up my hard copies of my writing and then trashing them... I am so overwhelmed! But, I am trying to be optimistic and positive and more importantly trust in God through it all...

EDIT: God provided a house, money for the down payment, free boxes from various stores, and a place to get reasonably priced packing tape. If he could provide for all that I am quite convinced that he is gonna pull through with the time to pack up and move there. And here I was doubting and afraid that we might not get through this... It was pretty quick that these things took place.

Conclusion

I won't be posting as much due to these turn of events but, I will try to blog asap! So, prayers, brothers and sisters in Christ, would be very much appreciated... God bless y'all! A buh-bye!

"God help the outcasts, children of God..."

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Introduction

As said in my LIGHTforMI post, I have been going through a lot of stuff. But, I've been pulling through it all with writing, spending time with Aneira and enjoying music! I've cleaned my bedroom after so long. And am beginning to cut my losses and learning that through prayer, I'll make it. And that prayer, in essence is a poem... So many of prayers are becoming poems soon to be songs. So these are the poems I've been working on lately, and I'm aiming to write a fictional story based on these poems;

The Ragamuffin Gospel [by Brennan Manning] and onto The Prodigal God [by Timothy Keller] and More...

Well, I finished the book, The Ragamuffin Gospel and I'm moving onto The Prodigal God. It was a wonderful, mind-altering book to read! I look forward to reading my next spiritual book! I am reading The Princess Spy by Melanie Dickerson and it is no disappointment, either! It's just as good as the others! Working on Momoru, still! Just as excited as before to finish my first story! Things are working out to be good!

Birthday Month A-Comin'!

July is fast approaching! I'm going to be 22! I am planning to go to Nose Dive on Main in Greenville with my Gramma to share our birthday meal! And from June 22nd-July 22nd I'll be hosting my Hobbit Birthday Party Themed writing challenge on my writing blog! I'm soo excited! My parents' anniversary is on the 3rd, for that I'm planning a surprise for 'em!

Oh! I Almost Forgot! The Highland Games [..and more...]!

The Highland Games was awesome! And I've been going off and doing many more activities [which you can look at on my instagram!] I have many other activities planned [like the Adult Summer Readin, which I've already begun!] cuz I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep my recovery going steady I've gotten 2 weeks and a day without cutting for which that I'm proud!

Conclusion

So... to finish this rant... I'm glad that I'm alive! Even with the rough seas! Being there for my sis in her own trials is nice! And my recovery from erotica reading is beginning to look like the duel between Hinata and Neji Hyuga in Naruto...

Ending me up like:

But still fighting...

Lately, I've been miserable:

But, I am thankful to my family and friends for standing by me through all this... :3

And knowing that God loves even me is strengthening me through all my trials and mess ups. REMINDER TO MYSELF: I AM HIS MASTERPIECE, HIS EMPIRE, HIS MOSAIC, HIS ARCHITECTURE!

And for that I can smile through tears... Peace out and rock on!

"When strength turns to crippled, I've learned to silence the world and listen"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

 

Convention, trip, highland games. oh my!

Well, today begins a homeschool covention in Greenville! So excited! I will definitely update you guys on that! Mum volunteered to help out tomorrow, so we're going for free! And in April, obviously there's Easter, we'll be doing what we normally do. Probably a Seder Meal, making our easter cookies, and decorating eggs! Then four days later, I'll be going up to Illinois to see my friends, Kindy, Mandie and Savvy! So excited 'bout that too! And with the highland games coming in May as well... I'm kinda overwhelmed by the excitement I have! hehe! xD Sooo... yeah!

The Ragamuffin Gospel [by Brennan Manning]

It's been difficult to put this book down, it's caught my heart just as much as the dailyaudiobible did in 2014. Through it, I see God differently, and as a companion to the bible readings, I have come to a new understanding of the grace and love of God. For so long, family, church friends, close friends and the not-so close friends, pastors and authors, singers, artists and theologians they said the same thing over and over and over. I didn't understand. It didn't pierce through immediately, it is being drilled it. But now it's been drilled in deeper through mental pictures, stories. It's being said differently. Not only said, but shown to my mind. Realizing how much God loves us all just through Creation... Holding the universe together, if He was not in any of this and He let go, we'd all fall apart and all of Creation with us. That's grace! The fact that it does rain, it does storm, that there is light and oxygen for us proclaims the grace of God. And it has been so fogged over for so long.

We tend to forget. We forget who we are in Christ. The very fact that He died the way He died, refusing anything that would dull the pain. He died the most humilating and excruciating death possible...and He took it all on full-force. He did not only suffer the physical agony, but also suffered the pain of betrayal. We, His creation, made in His Image...we betrayed Him and all He said was; "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." We forget the cost of our sins and the what price was given. We so easily become so numb to that fact. I am so drawn to this passion. So deeply in love with this God, this Man that sacrificed everything. I could stand here and talk about this all day and never grow tired of it, but I am so speechless about it by this point, now. All I can say is; Epic, radical, awesome is this God and this love He has for us
 

So, with the excitement and moving of the spirit, I just have become  a basket case of joy. Realizing that I am not so far as I thought. And knowing that I can't save myself or anyone else has become a comfort. Knowing that my past doesn't define me and that I am only human, a sinner has become what helps me to have peace. Knowing that God loves and accepts me as I am, and wants to mend this little raggedy and messed up girl's spirit, mind and body, give her life that begins in the now and continues onto eternity it humbles and stills me. If only I would always believe and know this, but as a human, I will turn away often from where my Help lies and try other avenues, it's the curse of the sinners. Soon, I shall be whole. And I look forward to that day!

Conclusion

Kinda at a hold in my writing. And I forgot to mention something in the last blogpost... I have created a new blog on faith. Also, changed my username on watty again. And I updated LIGHTforMI about coping skills [finally! lol!] So, yeah! I'm a wee bit scatterbrained lately... I'mma vanish now and bid thee all a farewell, have an amazing day y'all! Peace out!

"And we'll make our way back home; For the King is still on the throne!"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Well, I have been away of late for a while, eh? Well, I don't really have an excuse for it, but I do have a reason... Been depressed for a bit. I allowed my past to kinda control my decisions. But I'm rising up again now.

A Ragamuffin Saint

So, lately it has been a difficult time, been feeling as though I am rotting away. It's weird, but I have pulled the response of the Israelites wishing they had died in Egypt or remained slaves... Whine, whine, whine, grumble and complain... I am certain that I very often make God as sickened from my dizzying mood swings and waywardness as much as I am certain I sicken myself, my family and friends...Sometimes I wonder very often if I am too much of a handful for my family and friends... I am certain that I am too much of a handful for myself... but I am just glad I am not too much for God!

God certainly hasn't given up on me, and for that I am very grateful. He's constantly calling out for me. Through the things I read, watch, write, and listen to. So I will not give up on myself anymore... Starting to pick back up the pieces of my shattered hopes and dreams and give them up to God once more... I now know that in believing in Christ's love, mercy and grace, that it isn't like how I thought it was... I don't say, "Jesus, come into my heart. Amen." and then suddenly have a holy upward spiral of success in the faith... It's not about having faith in Christ then you are magically and completely converted that moment and no longer have struggles with the same darned sin... It's about having faith in Christ and the continuous transformation and growth in faith. Being framed and reframed and reframed again until we come to Heaven. When we die and go up into paradise, that's when we our transformation will completed. As long as we breathe in this world, we will always be growing, we never stop!

Stuff that is happening....

I've been writing a lot lately... Of Love and Courage is somewhat popular amongst my fans and followers on Wattpad... I dunno if it really is that great, but many folks think it is... So, here you can be the judge of it.

I've also decided to be selling my service as a digital artist on fiverr! I'm hoping it will be a success... Today, I just started listening to Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning! It is good so far from what I have heard. It has a radical and earth-shattering message in it. So far, I'd say it is a good read and suggest it to others!

Conclusion

I'm trying to figure things out in my faith. Still trying to know where I stand. According to my parents, I will be trying to do this for a while... I am in the process of taking my faith as my own, still and so I am testing the waters. Prayers during this time, my brothers and sisters in Christ, would be much needed and appreciated... So, I'mma leave you with this question [one I will be pondering myself as well...] Do you believe that Jesus loves you? I mean really truly unconditionally... Do you live your life as if Jesus loves you no matter what you do, how you feel, where you're at etc.? Think on that and God bless you all;

"And the children keep learning; How to grow up big and strong"

The Lyrics In The Title Came From...

Recovery and Projects

Well, hello again, folks! Been an interesting time since I last posted... I believe things are really improving since my visit with my therapist. 'T'was a difficult road, and it still will be, for a time. I've been spending time in Scripture and prayer, have aimed to apply what I have promised to my therapist, doctor and my parents. Hmm... Still in the process of leaving my past and my fears behind, where it should be. A difficult feat, but I truly aim for full recovery. God's grace goes before me, and though I don't always feel it, I know it is the truth. My projects are coming along, but I'm going to set a general schedule for my day tonight to improve the process of my recovery, homeschool and my projects.

 

Events (and Things I Look Forward To)

Mum's birthday is coming up (on February 5th)! I'm thinking about making her something with my talents, she'd treasure it more, even if it is a small and simple thing. Then, I am hoping to take my little sister to go to the Winter Jam 2015 the day after mum's bday! We're both looking forward to it! And then there's February 12th, I shall be going back to the library for the second Writing Show, hosted by the Hub City Writer's Project, about writing food in stories... This one was the one I was looking forward to most(that and the one about writing wars in story on May 14)! Red is coming out with their newest album on the 24th! I really want to have it, but I do not have the money to buy it just yet... So, February is busy, busy, and filled with things! And I've been setting plans for my trip in April... We're trying to see if we can visit IL, with our friend Kindy, instead of TX, and to go there from April 9th-16th then go to have a week or two with Savvy in IN... Just hoping I'll be able to afford this trip!

Conclusion

And so, with all that said, it's a wonder I've not lost my mind due to the heavy weight of promises, commitments, and responsibilities that I must bear due to all this good news and hopes that I have raised. It is a lil burdensome, however, it's very exciting and something I really take pleasure in doing! I just hope I don't completely lose it due to the stress... probably already have though :P So, uhm...hmmm.... *wonders if I should break the commitment to take that sabbatical from April to July* welp, peace out! Rock on! and...

"I wanna feel it when I mean it when I say it can you hear me at all?"

This month, I am beginning some challenges, small groups, and I started my first visit into 2015's Writing Show hosted in my library... I would really love to invite you all to join a challenge in particular with me, however...

I know, we, as humanity have such a hard time with prayer. We somehow think we must be official and have the greatest vocabulary to discuss matters with God, as if that will impress him... Or we bring God this looooooong wishlist as if He's Santa Claus... So, Max Lucado in this devotional is making it simple for us... 4 minutes everyday for 4 weeks, praying.

Click the photo and it should send you to where you can buy this!

In my last post, I mentioned dailyaudiobible, it's not too late if you want to join the community in listening to the bible in a year, it never is anyway... I'd suggest you pick up from the day you get on and keep going... It'll change your life, I assure you of that! You will not come out of it the same...

And from January 20th - March 24th my church's women's group will be doing a study in Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, which I shall be a participant in. I'm looking quite forward to this women' small group!

Tomorrow, mum will be starting her first semester in Liberty University. And with her having a fulltime 8am-4pm job, being a homeschool mother, the lay ministries coordinator and helper at the  youth group at our church, and designing a commission website, she'll be busy... Be praying for her, my brothers and sisters in Christ, please... She's kinda concerned over this...

I've been stuck on writing journal entries and poetry, lately. Also, have been publishing them on my wattypad... I'm trying to assess myself and I feel as though God is calling me to find my all in Him. I am doing this because of these promptings:

• Everybody's saying I'm beautiful... I acknowledge that I look pretty, beautiful even... but I look deeper than the outward appearance in all people, including myself... So, when I look into the mirror, into my eyes, all I see is fear. Always fear. As if there's a huge screen inside my eyes and it's just permanent... Then I look at the qualities of what I actually DO in my fear... I lie to, betray, manipulate not only everyone else, but myself... I can never go beyond that point. If I am fearfully and wonderfully made and God sees something precious when He looks on me, and I am the apple of His eye. If all that is true, then how can I see past my fear to see myself as He sees me? I don't want to say that I don't feel fearfully and wonderfully made, because feelings are so very deceptive. In fact, I'm just skipping that argument altogether and going straight to this question; how can I see myself the way God sees me?

• Then there is trust. I have such a difficult time trusting anyone as of late... but I am not going to start by learning to trust humanity... I want to start by learning to trust in God. If any of you guys have read my journal entry, The Doctor Knows Best... you might notice in it I talk about trusting that the Healer knows what He's actually saying when He says "no". It isn't to take the good things away, but in His loving wisdom He knows we are ill, and He wants us to be well. Because He is God, and we are not God. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do(the link is on the title). I really want to work on this.. Because, I want to so depend on Him so that I can have the courage to take that leap of faith and know wherever this goes, He will be there.

• Then there is the extent of our sinfulness and the extent of the pain that Christ had to go through in this life to save the lost... And WHY we believe. And WHY He had to die for the sins... And the pain of the crucifixion... because, we, in the Western World, especially cannot comprehend the road to the cross and how determined Christ HAD to be to keep going... Look guys, it wasn't oh, hop in a car or plane and be there within 2 hours... No, it was much further and longer than that, and He knew where He was going. He knew He'd die the most humiliating and excruciating death known to mankind... then, deeper into it, He knew He'd have to face the agony of being forsaken by His Father, who He was one with from the very beginning! I want to learn the way of the cross...

And if I learn this and grow in this, I know and believe that I will learn how to walk as a woman of faith... I am willing to let go of whatever will hinder my growth in faith. Relationships, hobbies, desires, mindsets, whatever I have, the Lord has full access to it...

So, all of that together in one sentence; There's gonna be a [RADICAL and EPIC] change!

[Quote is from this song below...]

 

Soooooo, that's that...God bless you all.

May fair winds follow you and the Author guide you.

Fare thee well!

 



Everything's Gonna Be Alright Thursdays --There's a Purpose

 

A few years ago, I began a weekly inspirational video post on Thursdays called "Everything's Gonna Be Alright", for people, like me who needed a small reminder of why they were here. I would also add stuff, words of encouragement, quotes, stories, poems, songs, etc. to accompany it. So, I'm starting it back up, so I may help others while working through my own doubts.

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,When as yet there were none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

A Knitted Scarf

By: Arianna Scriptsmith

Intertwining in a word of hope
For a world that is dark and hopeless
A scarf made from living yarn
A word to drive all hate away

Looking at that small section, lies;
A letter formed from black and red yarn
You stare deep, and form a word
Words that push Me away

"How are you to know what it says
When all you see are lies?" I ask.
"When you look in the mirror
And see what you aren't"

"Any word can be formed with these
Four letters in my Word
"But only one word can mean;
That I cherish you, as you"

The scarf winds down through history
Repeating my L-O-V-E
In many colors that you;
Can't see as you that sees one

A living and breathing scarf
That feels the pain of doubt
The brokenness of hating
And from the fall of the world

Give me your life, My love, child
Fill the world with My light
And in the darkened world
And you shall reflect my light

Intertwining in a word of hope
For a world that is dark and hopeless
I knit Myself a scarf
And wrap it around my child

Projects for 2014

Many people make a whole bunch of promises of what they'll do in the New Year... I'm no longer going to participate in that... but I will show you what is on the agenda from now until possibly the Summer... I'll be taking it by ear... and one step at a time...

1. This Month: I'm working on going through my media... based on two "models" C.A.N. (Does it celebrate sin? Is the sin accessible? Does it normalize sin?) and "How does it make me feel?" These are models that my daddy uses with his media.
2. Next Monday: I'm starting a novel-in-a-year activity... 350 words in 260 days with weekends off. Aiming to post biweekly if not weekly updates @ my watty
3. Next month: Aiming to begin selling my artwork @ my deviantART
4. After Christmastime: Working to get my highschool diploma in homeschool.
5. Next year: I'll be aiming for jobs/volunteer work. Looking into Mary Kay. Also aiming to volunteer for my Library's Store
6. Through the Year: Making gifts for special occasions(bdays/anniversaries/Christmas)
7. Sometime next year: Getting a bike and stuff to accompany it for my main source of travel and bus tickets for when it rains.

This may change as time goes by... but there are a few, I know will stay.

Take in all the colors....before they fade to grey...

If the sacrifice of my physical health is what I must give unto Him as my offering, I will continue to say HOSANNA TO THE KING OF KINGS! So much to worship and praise and give thanks to Him for!

From day one... February 24, 2012 I made a decision to make my vows for the Greatest Lover one can ever have. I would work to let go of my armor only to Him. Such a fight and a struggle, but God continues to get a hold of me... Guided by my family and church family All Saints Church, Spartanburg through my faith since as far as I could remember... God used the valuable lessons spoken to me by these many brothers, sisters, and mentors and has grown me. I am far from finished... but I feel fulfilled. I am now guiding another believer the way I connected better to my faith(Thank you, Josiah)... After so long, I have finally come to a point where I can completely rejoice over the freedom, my beloved and precious sister, Savannah has. I give thanks to God for sending her Cole, and praise the Lord for making beauty out of the ashes through our lil Alice in Wonderland.... I am at peace and feel freed from the destruction of my past. The Holy Spirit landed as a dove on my heart... and blessed me to see the beauty of the harvest... Eli is rejoicing, our friend Nic is lighter... I am free from my bitter spirit. Forgiveness has broken through. I give thanks to God for the friends he has used to bring me up... The Lord our God is good and His mercy endures forever. I am alive, I am awake, I am strong, I am a survivor, I am an overcomer, I am a fighter, I am a lover, and I am a Child of God's.

Many people tell me I look like I'm in love... To smooth this out, I am. I have fallen sooo deep in love with a God I ran from for so long. I just want to please Him. I thank God for ALL of those who are my friends, and those who read this now... Remember, you all have had a part to play in making me who I am.

Never Will I Leave You

Well, a night to stay up. Not in fear, no, not in rage. Not in sadness, bitterness, nor pain... but just to ponder on the changing power of One Name. Silence is my friend for this night. no laughter, no tears, no fear, no anger... nothing, except... How much change God can make in one, 24-hr day. All day... all day, messages were inserted into my head one by one... by one... to prepare for a battle that began and ended in all but a 3hr span of time. The first message pierced through the surface... the second prepared me to learn about a certain personality trait that our Lord, Jesus Christ has... the third was more uncomfortable...

1. Chicken Catapult: The imagination of one priest can create a bit of understanding... this priest said to us in Sunday School, "I have a friend who thought all her problems... big and small were being caused by Satan... then I got a picture of Satan with a catapult... and he's putting chickens in there... and shooting them all around her, and they're all squawking gibberish and she's there panicking... I told her, directly, 'and he's shooting all these chickens, and you're just bending to a knee and cowering under the ruckus and hullabaloo over things that don't matter... and the enemy's over there with his catapult, laughing at you as you're overrun by fear... he doesn't HAVE to send demons under every rock for you, you're right under his thumb and he thinks it's hysterical... it's ridiculous!" That made a scratch and I was exposed to another relentless blow in the heart:

2. Vigilance: In the sermon, our Deacon Mike said something along the lines of, Imagine being one of the disciples, with Jesus... You have got to be on you're toes with Him... as they show Jesus the temple, pride and glorifying the handmade synagogue... You say; 'Look at this Lord, nothing could compare!' They believe Jesus is going to shake his head in awe and say; 'Yeah, it's awesome!' But, what they get is, 'Yeah... I have something to tell you... There will come a time when not two stones will be one on top another.' And if we are anything like the disciples we're going to want to know when these things will take place... we will want to know the signs... so we will be ready! ...When being a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must be on our toes, because His answers are unexpected, and will hit us out of nowhere, and we must be prepared for the change.

3. Thanksgivings: As usual... Pastor Nowell stepped up to the stage, grabbed his bulletin and recited the prayers of the people... but I assume when the invitation for Thanksgivings came there was a resounding silence in the congregation(I didn't experience it, I am afraid, because I had left for a few minutes and came back to this...), he cut it off and did not continue the reciting... he looked at the congregation, with grief, passionate grief, and slowly convicted us, on the spot... "It is awkward when I invite thanksgivings and there is silence in the congregation." After a moment of letting that settle in he began quickening his tone; "Are we a church of praise? Or are we unwilling to give thanks to our Creator who gives every and all blessings? Our hearts seemingly overflow with thanks on Thanksgiving... but you know what I think? They're really not! I'm talking to myself, I'm talking to all of us when I say, I will give thanks just out of duty... but, I want you to realize... There are people in the world, this very moment... dying for this faith we confess! And I'm not saying that to make us feel better! This is a wake-up call! (What have we become?) Maybe I'm wrong... maybe thanksgivings are something to be dwelt on in silence... I'm willing to be wrong... I want to be wrong! But, what if a visitor came one day... and the invitation for thanksgivings is called and there is complete silence?! What will they think? What will that make us? What. example. have. we. set. there?" I stood out of the aisles of chairs, staring at him... I was gaping at him.... I was shocked! Hurt even! A silent whisper told me in my heart, "It's the truth. It's supposed to hurt." Within a fraction of a second my emotions mixed before my gaze... first, shock, then consideration, then outrage, then resignation, then I stiffened my lip as he said something else; "And so, instead of our usual invitation of intercessions, each of you have someone beside you, that needs a blessing, speak into their heart and it can be as simple as; 'may the God who does good works in you bless you this week.'" Everyone had a partner and I stood there, alone... and back in shock... then I let my gaze wander through the entire congregation.. it seemed everyone had a partner.... but, there was one young lady... (trying not to cry right there) alone.... stiff as me.... I went after her.... I was speechless... a quick muttered, 'may God bless you...' and it wasn't even heartfelt.... she smiled... but, she was sad... she said it was business... but she was heavyhearted... and I just gave a lifeless blessing.... She doesn't know this... and right now... it's a terror right in the front of my mind.... what have I become?

After that... I humbly went into the intercessory prayers... after communion.... and asked for prayer... strength and humility to break my pride..... I didn't know what I was asking at the time...

Came home... all fired up... masked euphoria... "Yay, great Sunday!" I said... and I was prepared mercifully for the 4-5 battle to come... but, I wasn't noting it taking place... slowly... I gave into despair, anger, rage, bitterness and vengeance and within one second everything went out... A brother had to deal with a spirit of rage and anger toward a God who dared hurt my heart that opened the door for more darkness and a full-blown demon came... I was a fool... and I lashed out; "Stoppit" I screamed... I didn't want God... "God isn't love" I said!!! I never cared! I don't know how it blew up to that! But 5 times the Name, the Name, the Name-- and it continued with a bang!Until I was down on the floor, cracked and snapped... In shock, once more...

I tried to arm myself one more time... Gotta tell daddy... It went by so quickly and loudly and don't even know what we were talking about... cuz it wasn't about what I did... It was me being uptight... anxious... and then, the passive and serene shield I try to put up there disappeared.... And I fell hard again..... Apathy was the repercussion.... I became depressed, tried to convince myself I was filth enough to kill myself, but still trying to hope.... and have reasons to stay... , thanks to my Mother Berserker, I was kept alive.... then it was in the silence I engulfed myself in that God spoke to me... I'll close with this;

I opened to a song to speak to me... and then an overflow of that artist singer, which led to a song with one verse that stood out the most... "Trust in Me. Keep your life free from what the love of money will do... Am I not enough for you?" And I sat there, dumbfounded... And realized... I've only tithed once in my life... Everyone thinks that testing God is a sin. Period. But, there is one thing that he actually invited us to test him on the promise that if you give a little to Him it will return in more bountiful ways than what keeping the money can give you, cuz once you keep it, that's all you have... And ten it's lost...Reminds me of those servants... The two who gave a little and then came back double, the master told him "well done, good and faithful servant." But to the one who dug it in a hole and could not find it... To him he said, "depart from me!". It combined the entire message that I was too proud to see in one verse in a song. In thanksgiving, we give unto God, we trust and He blesses and with the blessings He pours to the brim... it must overflow to bless others.

In Christ forever and always...
A Heart Who Waits


Trust in Me, Keep your life free, From what the love of money will do Am I not enough for you? (Chorus) Never will I leave you, That's something I'll never do. Forever remember that it's true, Never will I leave you. When you fear, The scars and tears. Remember what I have sworn, I'll be with you through the storm. (Chorus) And when you fear, That's when I'm near. Your soul's security, When will you believe? (Chorus) Never will I leave you... --Michael Card "Never Will I Leave You"

Never Forget [but always forgive...]

In 09/11/01 I was 8 years old... I remember that mum was pregnant with my lil sister at the time. I remember seeing thew horrors on the screen and thinking it was playing just like a film... I was very little and saw that many were dying and leaping to their deaths...

That's why when Obama goes on saying it wasn't an act of war, I am infuriated... with a righteous anger. It minimizes the wrongs we've had brought to us. These were sisters and brothers of the human race... of every gender, age, race, coulour. And hearing how Obama says it wasn't an act of war... just is infuriating and wrong to assume...

Don't minimize the sin they committed... but always forgive... There is a fine line between forgiveness and plain out minimizing the wrong... Forgiving those who have wrong you greatly makes it more beautiful to the Lord... for He forgave all unrighteousness... He never minimized it... that's what makes it so blindingly beautiful to be forgiven and called the children of God.

Never forget.... But, that doesn't mean never forgive.....

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.  For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so?  Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. ~Matthew 5:43-48~

Never forget, never surrender, always remember, always forgive,

Arianna Scriptsmith ☧

"Triple A" Memories

I was going through memories I found in my mum's iPhone files...... He are some wonderful pictures of me and my sibs! <33 them to death!

My fair lady...... :3

look at the wee builder there! <33

ermm...I'm not sure where this was taken...but I look sad... o.O

looks very....eerie....

Birthday gift from Uncle Bill & Aunt Becky....yup, vegan...could be something to look into, eh?

Princess Ella..... <33

Aric and I at the airport to go, see bio. pop... :-)

The artist gaze.......just like her daddy.... :3

My first art show!!! And my first bouquet of flowers...THANKS, GEMMA!!!

Ermm.... My face in this is quite.....strange?

In't dis lassie adorable?

Yup...the lil'un took me hat... lol! She's adorable! <3

awwwhhh look at me baby sister! <3

This one has got to be my favorite.... :3

My bro in camo!

Aric's first legal drink <33 Whit Russian!

awwwwhhh :3

Is God Good? - Rejoicing Even in the Trials!

Is God good? Why do even His children suffer? Death always makes an unexpected visit...even before the grave. Forced to taste death even from our first cry. So, again...is our God good? How can He be good in all this suffering? Well, in  a small mini-series, I shall try to answer these questions starting with Rejoicing Even in the Trials!;

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. --James 1:2-3

God loves each of His children, but that doesn't mean He's gonna buckle down and take all our trials away. We need to be able to transform into the likeness of Christ, and we can only do that through the testing of our faith.

"It's not your situations that needs to change...you need to change!" --Mike Donehey

For all the trials that come to us goes through God's hands first... But fear not He knows what will mold you, and how to hold you... So, be enduring, learn the patience that God is teaching you in the classroom of LIFE! Allow Him to prepare your spiritual endurance and stamina through the flames of trials...soon you will be as refined gold!

[Side Note: I know the pain of the trials as much as the next person. I am not saying that I am all better because of this...on the contrary, I am speaking to myself as much as I am to you. I struggle daily with faith. Makes you wonder sometimes...if I truly know what I'm doing...and the truth of the matter is...I'M CLUELESS! Hallelujah that there is grace, right? And in the midst of these Words of Faith....I'm just allowing the Truth to wash over me... Because usually, I hide in the muddy-gloop of sin's lies instead. I've never been one to stand firm and be true on my own volition. Sometimes, I even wonder if I truly have God in my heart... But, the point in me saying this is...I know what it's like and by experience, I hope to learn to exercise what I know!]

In Christ Alone,
Ari

Believe it or not!

These are my teen years summarized in 7 parts!

• When I was 13, I was easily excited. Nothing seemed to be wrong at this time... a smile meant happy and a laugh meant joy. It seemed that ignorance was sweet...for a little while. I went to church, had a youth group, participated in church activities....I was a Christian right? Not a glimmer of doubt about that....so I must've been right? Not so...

14 came, and I continued in conforming to the likeness of most Christians and not the likeness of Christ. Several times, we changed churches... I was now going to a youth group in someone's home every other Thursday at 7pm. Sure, I began cutting....sure doubts were coming over my mind, but I'd prevail right? God was with me, right? That might've been so....but was I willing to accept His help?

15...no more going to church.... cut from fellowship and the Word drew me into a deep darkness and cold than I had ever been in.....we had gone from one church to another every few years, sometimes sooner than that! Homechurch was kind of a blur.... Chip Ingrim's lessons went in one ear and out the other...I didn't understand what following Christ was about... the darkness became almost weekly, as cuts, soon to be scars went from the top of my wrist to my elbow. God must be there....He promised right?

16.....deeper darkness, fear, and constant cries for help, going from one friend to another and calling out for a hand. Therapy didn't help, meds weren't helping, not even the visit to the hospital at age 15...I saw no escape and darkness seemed to be never ending. Death, blood, torture, those were all the topics of my writing then....God forsook me? Not so....

17...Back in church once more.... nudged in the right direction, and yet unwilling to go...darkness hadn't quite finished subsiding....but, I did see a glimmer of light.... fear hadn't run out... now I was quiet in church outings/meetings I didn't participate in youth group much....for fear of judgement...Afraid to speak out....afraid to question....afraid to learn....Several friends tried to get me to open up, until the youth pastor started assigning me seats near the other youth.... Way out of my comfort zone, she seemed to expect me to participate, ask questions, and fellowship....not just quietly learn.... I began to blossom slowly, now was the time for a change.... One step at a time.....

18......Finally taking my faith as my own, a journey through tears, laughter, strength and weakness, faithfulness and treachery, outspoken faith and complete denial, everything seemed wild....and crazy.....would there be a victory?

I have finally taken myself out of my teen years, working daily towards a closer relationship with Jesus Christ.... a daily walk....I realize I do not need the acceptance of man to be whole.... The acceptance of a biological father is no longer required.... never was, never will be.... He wouldn't be able to heal me, never will, never could...... God's acceptance, love, mercy, grace, peace, faithfulness, patience, joy, hope, gentleness, kindness and self-control will be what will heal me.....the fruits of the spirit has changed me, changes me, and will always change me, until I am finished and with Christ!

Reeling courageously,

Mari J. Kimzy-Fahel

Yeah...

Prayed most fervently about what I was doing.... I am much better than I was in January, most likely don't need to go to the hospital!

Preferring to look mad,

Mari J. Fahel

Packin' up!

Well, today I am postponing my writing on TWA.... and I'm packin' up to go (hopefully) to a long term leave...I'm going to the hospital and would like you guys to keep an eye out for updates from Mum.....Be prayin' for me! <3333 Love yeh guys!

Preferring to look mad,

Mari J. Fahel

You May Not Know This But...

Today is the only day we can make decisions.... Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't guaranteed... and we always act like tomorrow is gonna come all the time and yesterday needs peeking at once more. Look everyone today is a gift! If you want less time looking at past wrongs and fearing the future... keep your head in the game! Life is amazing and each day you  make decisions they all have consequences... Remember that God gave you your breath for today and remember that He can quit your heart right now... be grateful for the blessed present that you have received! You've got many blessings and even the poorest man is blessed... Just Remember that before you turn to face the past and make decisions for tomorrow.... tomorrow never comes we only got now!

Preferring to look insane,
Mari J. Fahel